


We know the score

by Gabriel_JS



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-27
Updated: 2016-01-27
Packaged: 2018-05-16 15:52:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5831563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gabriel_JS/pseuds/Gabriel_JS
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>ME3 London, Kaidan and Shepard say their goodbye.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We know the score

**Author's Note:**

> No beta reading. All the mistakes are mine.

Kaidan is standing alone across the street. There are other soldiers but none of them seems to be there with him, or talking to him. That's probably a good thing but Shepard pauses anyway. He's reluctant to meet Kaidan so he takes this precious time of fake peace to check him out. He looks good. He always looks good but being in his armor, even if it's covered with scratches and dents, he's hot. And more importantly he's solid and as safe as possible. Small smile appears on Shepard's face as he remembers their time aboard Normandy SR-1 and how he hated that he couldn't provide Kaidan with better armor, every time giving him the best he could get. The smile disappear and John becomes more thoughtful. Today’s Kaidan is so different from the person he knew years before. He has all the qualities Shepard loved about him; his gentleness, how he can turn all philosophical, his integrity and loyalty... Okay, so there are obviously tons of things he admires about this man. But some of them are still pretty new. Kaidan is sure of himself, confident and determined, stronger. Shepard doesn't really believe that Major has left all his doubts behind, but the way he's dealing with them, that's new. Appealing. And Shepard would love to have more of it. More of Kaidan, more of... them.

And that terrifies him.

There's time and place for... love... and this is definitely not the time, not the place. And he’s guilty of allowing this. He should be stronger. He shouldn’t let his feelings have their way. He managed that during his whole career and then… Kaidan happened. Shepard frowns then smiles and then frowns again. He knows this it mistake but the thought of not having Kaidan itself, it hurts and he wants to forget it the moment it came to his mind.

It’s time to move and for a second Shepard considers avoiding Kaidan. Like it would help something. So he takes a deep breath and crosses the space that separates them.

"Hey, Kaidan," Shepard says in lower voice and it sounds strange and distant even to him.

Kaidan turns around to face Shepard. He doesn’t give a smile and his husky voice doesn’t bear any humor. "Hey. There you are."

Shepard feels awkward. He knows what he would like to say but he won’t and this situation is highly unpleasant. He craves to be somewhere else. But Kaidan is standing in front of him and waits.

"You ready?"

"Absolutely. For anything. Bring it on." Now Kaidan sounds more lightly and Shepard comes to believe that there’s a way to go through this.

"And Biotics Division? Your students?"

Kaidan actually chuckles. "More than ready. Eager. That’s youth for you." But when he continues, he’s serious again. "Guess we’re old soldiers, hey Shepard."

"Yeah," Shepard breathes out. "I guess we are."

But Kaidan hasn’t finished yet. He will press the issue, Shepard is sure of it. And he’s afraid of the words that are about to come from the lips he likes to kiss so much.

"Brothers in arms." Kaidan looks in Shepard’s eyes. "We know the score," Kaidan pauses and it feels dramatically and appropriate. "We know this is goodbye."

All blood freezes in Shepard veins. _Don’t talk like that!_ He wants to comfort Kaidan, to offer him hope, damn he’s even ready to give him the impossible promise of being there after all of this. He wants to pull Major into his arms and hold him, even if there is no body warm to share because of their armors. And he wants to extract the same crazy promise from Kaidan.

_When this is over, I’m going to be waiting for you. You’d better show up._

But he doesn’t say it. He knows he mustn’t voice it. Because he had his duty and if his life is the price, he has to pay it. He knows it. He’s always knew it. And there were times when he was looking forward to this moment. He was ready and the very idea used to bring him peace during the nights full of nightmares or not-sleeping at all. And then again, Kaidan happened. And now nothing seems to be so easy and well-planned. He still somehow knows he’ll die but now he doesn’t want to. He’s afraid. He feels so weak. It’s not the right time to lose his determination.

Eyes on the prize.

Shepard looks on Kaidan.

_I’m doing this for you._

"Yeah. We know the score." He says trying to keep his voice level. Unconsciously he moves closer to Kaidan as if to deny his lie, while Kaidan takes one step towards him on his own accord.

"And I’m not afraid to die." He says resolutely and as soon as his words leave his mouth Shepard wants to silence him. _Please, don’t say things like that._ He knows there will be more casualties. He knows. But not Kaidan. _Please God, not Kaidan._ But Kaidan is oblivious to Shepard internal distress when he pulls away a bit and continues. "But listen, there's... thing I want to say. Looking back... I have a few regrets, but not many. That's pretty damn amazing, right?"

Shepard is listening to him, but not really paying attention to Kaidan’s actual words. All he wants to hear is that Kaidan will fight as hell to hold him in his arms again. And he’s not saying that. _Won’t he? Doesn’t he believe that there is some afterwards? For him. For both of them?_

"Messed up kid that I was, never would have dreamed of the life I've had. And I owe a lot of that to you, you know."

Time to stop this. "It’s been quite a ride."

"It sure has. But how are you doing? Scared?"

"Damn straight, I’m scared," Shepard answers but doesn’t give away why is he so scare. He doesn’t fear Reapers. Not anymore. He knows them. He knows what they are, what they want to do. He believes he knows what to do to prevent them from destroying everything he’s fighting for so hard. He knows. And there is no place for fear in knowing. But there is many things he doesn’t know. He’s not sure if he’ll see Kaidan again. He doesn’t know if there is anything after death. There used to be times that he hoped there’s nothing. But right now? With the man he loves so much standing in front of him? With all the hope for life together? Damn straight, he’s scared. "But that fear's gonna keep me alive long enough to strike these bastards right through the heart." At least he hopes so.

"Yeah. Exactly." Kaidan keeps his hope, too.

And Shepard needs to go. He has to go. He has to leave. Now. He feels as his balance is leaving him and he _really_ has to go, to run away.

"So… take care, Major." He would slap his face right there. How can be so cold now? But he has to be. He step aside, ready to go away. But Kaidan sees right through him, catches him and pulls him in his arms, oblivious to other soldiers standing away and probably watching them. He, Kaidan-by-the-book Alenko embraces Shepard in the plain sight of anybody who wants to look and kisses Shepard, holding Shepard’s hand on his hip as to be sure he won’t escape. Not that John tries to. He kisses Kaidan back, deepening the kiss. When their lips part, they stay in each other personal space, breathing the same air.

"Stay safe," Kaidan whispers reluctantly.

John doesn’t answer.

"Well, I should find the rest of my squad." Kaidan offers Shepard the escape route, sounding a bit distant himself now. And Shepard takes it, he takes what he’s offered and turns once again to leave.

"Yeah."

They are few steps away from each other, back to back, when Kaidan speaks again. And now there is the gentle hope in his voice again, all heaviness away from it.

"You know, I’ve never been to London." Kaidan breathes out with amused surprise.

And both fear and hope flare up in Shepard’s heart.


End file.
